No One Wants to Marry Me; Am I Unattractive?


12 July, 2020


QI am 34 years and I am still not married.

There is nothing wrong, but the opposite sex are not interested and I'm beginning to think that I have a jinn that makes me look unattractive.

Please advise me.

ANSWER

Hadia Ali


12 July, 2020


In this counseling answer:

Do not listen to this inner destructive voice. Be kind to yourself, and remember that there are millions of women like you who are not married, but many of them may be happier than many of those who are married.

All matters are in the hand of Allah (swt), and no benefit comes and no harm is warded off except by His help. Turn to Him and ask Him for help and guidance.

I suggest that you work on your self-confidence and try to overcome the critical “inner voice”.

Counseling is always a good option.

Get to know what your inner critic tells you.

Think about where these critical attitudes come from.

Think about how your voices affect your actions.

Be persistent with these steps, and I am sure slowly but surely you’re inner critic will weaken, and your real self will become stronger, more vibrant, better known, understood and accessible to the world around you.

I’m Ugly; I’ve Never Received a Marriage Proposal

Answer:


As-Salam ‘Aleikom sister,


Thank you for writing to us about your concern. I will try my best to help you, In sha’Allah.

Nothing wrong


First of all, there is nothing wrong with you. There is perhaps no more painful thought in the world than that of “nobody likes me”. This feeling doesn’t do anything good, just deeply hurts us and turns us against ourselves and whatever our goals may be.

This destructive “voice” we hear every time “Am I ugly?” or “Is there something wrong with me?” instructs us to avoid situations where we’d get to know people. It shuts us up in social situations, makes us nervous, so we don’t act like ourselves.

Once we lose confidence in ourselves, we have difficulty connecting with other people. This inner voice makes you unsure of yourself and stops you from being yourself.

No One Wants to Marry Me; Am I Unattractive? - About Islam


Do not pay heed


Do not listen to this inner destructive voice. Be kind to yourself, and remember that there are millions of women like you who are not married, but many of them may be happier than many of those who are married.

May Allah (swt) open your heart to contentment with His decree, give you peace of mind about your situation, and fill your heart with happiness. It is better to be married late and with the right man, than to be married early with a wrong person.

All matters are in the hand of Allah (swt), and no benefit comes and no harm is warded off except by His help.

The one who relieves distress is Allah (swt), so if anything befalls a person, s/he must turn to Allah (swt) and ask for guidance and help, whether that has to do with attaining something desired or removing something disliked. Allah (swt) says in the Quran:

“And whatever of blessings and good things you have, it is from Allaah. Then, when harm touches you, unto Him you cry aloud for help.” (16:53) 

Confidence


 You should have confidence in yourself as it is an effective catalyst in finding a spouse. Believe me, when I tell you that you are not ugly, weird, or unattractive. You are unique, and someone will agree to marry you just the way you are.

So, don’t despair of Allah’s mercy, and remain positive that someone out there will like you and agree to marry you, in sha’Allah at the right time.

Never let others make you feel that if you are thirty-something and still not married, it is because either there is something wrong with you, or because Allah (swt) has decreed for you to remain single forever.

Unfortunately, we live in a world with a lot of pressure to achieve our personal milestones in life as early as possible.

Righteous and single Muslims who are in their late twenties, thirties, or forties might find themselves the target of unwarranted social stigmatization and cruel speculation: “Do you think she intimidates suitors because she is over-educated?”, “Do you think there is magic involved? Should we visit a spiritual specialist to find out?”

No rules


There is no written rule that lays down a certain prerequisite age range for the union. Marriage can take place take place at any age in life, even at 50 or 60, as Prophet Muhammad (saw) and many of his companions practically demonstrated.

Maybe God (swt) is actually being kind towards you by delaying your marriage until the time is best. Surely, none can know what He (swt) knows, for He (swt) sees ahead in our hidden futures.

It doesn’t matter in the long run if you get married at 25 or 35. As long as it is a happy, productive and loving marriage. To the right person who becomes your pillar of support in deen and accelerates your quest for success in the Hereafter.

Have faith


Have faith in Allah (swt) and His blessings. Seek help, and I am sure He (swt) will answer your prayers when the time is right, in sha’Allah.

“When my servants ask you concerning Me, I am indeed close (to them): I respond to the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me: let them also, with a will, listen to my call, and believe in Me: that they may walk in the right way” (2:186)

I suggest that you work on your self-confidence and try to overcome the critical “inner voice”. When you separate this destructive voice from the reality, you will see a big change a in your actions and point of view.

Here are a few steps to overcoming this inner critic:


Step One: Get to know what your inner critic tells you.


It’s important to get a hold on what situations trigger your critical inner voice and what that voice is saying to you in those moments. As an exercise, write down your critical inner voices as “I statements“, i.e. “I’m so boring. No one likes me.”

Then, next to these voices, write down the thoughts as “you statements“. “You’re so boring. No one likes you.” This actually helps you start to separate and see the voice as an enemy and not the real you.

Step Two: Think about where these critical attitudes come from.


When people write down or say their voices out loud, they sometimes have insight into where these mean thoughts originated.

Many people even start to imagine the voice as coming from a figure in their lives, a parent who always worried they’d never make friends, for example. Identifying where your voices may have originally formed can help you to have self-compassion and distinguish these old attitudes from your current reality.

Step Three: Talk back to your critical inner voice.


This may sound tricky, and this step is often hardest for people, but it is crucial that you stand up for yourself and vocalize or write down a reply to your critical inner voice.

You can use “I statements: “I have many qualities that many people would appreciate and like.” “Attack” your critical inner voice and stand up for yourself. You are your own best friend and your own enemy. Be good to yourself.

Step Four: Think about how your voices affect your actions.


You can also start to notice how this voice influences your behavior. It may tell you, you’re too shy to make friends, so you avoid social situations. It may cause you to feel insecure about yourself.

If it tells you the world is rejecting you, you may find yourself acting a bit angrier in your daily interactions or a whole lot meaner to yourself. Try to take note of all the times your critical inner voice is driving your behaviorr. Be kind to yourself and love who you are.

Step Five:  Change your behavior.


Challenging your voices will stir up anxiety and changing a behavior pattern can make the voice seem louder at first. However, the more actions you take against your inner critic, the more confident you’ll become, and the more the voice will eventually fade into the background.

Be persistent with these steps, and I am sure slowly but surely you’re inner critic will weaken, and your real self will become stronger, more vibrant, better known, understood and accessible to the world around you. In sha’Allah.

Editor’s Note:

sister, don’t hesitate to seek one-on-one counseling if you find yourself stuck with these negative thoughts. Counseling is always a good option.

May Allah (swt) ease your tension and give you what is best for you.