How to Overcome Financial Stress?


03 July, 2020


QI’m struggling financially with my wife. We both work full time; however, the salary is not high enough to meet our needs. We also owe money to some friends which we are not able to pay them back due to the situation we are in.

When we first got married two years ago, we had to get our furniture from Rent-a-Center. We are still paying them now monthly 250 dollars along with our apartment’s renting fee as well as the electricity and gas bills. I’ve suggested a few times to my wife that we could move out of this town to somewhere where we can work and live in better conditions, but she has been refusing the idea. She also refuses the idea that I go to another city that is 5 hours from home where I would have a better salary.

Another thing is that I haven’t visited my mom for about 10 years. She is in my country back home and I want to visit her but I can’t visit her or help her as much because of our bad financial situation.

I want to know what is the right thing to do here islamically. I don’t want to force my wife into something she doesn’t like. She stated she doesn’t want to live in NYC. I have also suggested New Jersey or Westecher or even Yonkers. I need your help and advice to do the right thing.


ANSWER

Aisha Mohammad


03 July, 2020


In this counseling answer:

•Go back to the list of expenses and see if you can trim anything down.

•It is time to make a move to a more lucrative place where you both can get better paying jobs.

•You and your wife may also want to sit down and write out all the pros and cons of moving versus staying where you are.

•Regarding the idea of you moving to work somewhere else, I really can’t recommend that as it does put a strain on a marriage.

•Keep alert for other opportunities in your area.

•Some of the keys to getting through this difficult time is patience, faith, communication with your wife, and making du’aa’ to Allah to grant ease concerning your finances.

Important Dua when Affected by Hardship and Financial Problems

As Salamu Alaykum brother,


Thank you for writing to us about your issues and questions regarding finances and choices. There is no doubt that the cost of living everywhere has risen. While some places are more expensive than others, generally the cost of living has gone up.

I know that where you live the heating costs and electric are very high. In addition, there is cost for rent, cell phones, food, household, gas, cars, etc. Plus, you are paying rent a center $250 a month. These are a lot of expenses to try to budget, even when two people are working.

Examining Financial Health


Sadly, finances can cause friction between married couples, especially when there is a disagreement as how to budget, spend, or even when considering relocation as you desire to do.

Brother, I kindly suggest insha’Allah that if you’ve not done so already, sit down with your wife and re-examine your budget together. This would mean listing all your expenses including household products, groceries, toiletries etc.

Next, list your income. Whatever gap there is between your income and your expenses, look at that number. Go back to the list of expenses and see if you can trim anything down.

It might mean returning the items back to Rent-A-Center and going to a thrift store or donation center and purchasing what you need at a much lessor cost. That would save you $250 a month. It might mean canceling cable if you have it and going with a fire stick or Netflix subscription. It may mean revising your monthly shopping.

Wherever you can, cut your costs insha’Allah to try to reduce your spending. I know is difficult, but with some creative thought, it can be done.

How to Overcome Financial Stress? - About Islam


Brother, I do not know if any of this pertains to you, I am only offering it as a suggestion because I know it has proven to be helpful for myself and many others.

If you have already paired down the expenses and spending and are still having difficulty, perhaps then it is time to make a move to a more lucrative place where you both can get better paying jobs. Please do keep in mind though that moving can cost a lot of money.

Relocation


If considering a move, you would need to gather the finances for a moving truck, movers, first month’s rent, security as well as for setting up utilities in the new town that you move to.

You had mentioned New York City. As you know, the cost of living is extremely high in New York City.  It is much probably higher than where you are now. However, if you have a job lined up that pays extraordinary well, it might be worth the move.

Negotiation and Compromise in Marriage


Being that your wife is not keen on moving, you may have to come to an agreement with her. I would kindly suggest you sit down and speak with her and find out her reasons for wanting to stay where you currently live. It may be that she grew up there.

She may have family and friends there that she does not want to leave. Perhaps she is fearful of moving to a new area and being alone.

Whatever her reasons are, please consider them with kindness and discuss ways in which you can work around them. If it is that she will miss her family perhaps you and her can discuss a plan wherein she would be able to visit her family on a regular basis for example.

You and your wife may also want to sit down and write out all the pros and cons of moving versus staying where you are. When things are put in a visual light, it is often easier to see solutions. That is why I’m asking that both you list your finances as well as list the pros and cons of moving.

Check out this counseling video

Leaving Home to Work


Regarding the idea of you moving to work somewhere else, I really can’t recommend that as it does put a strain on a marriage. Is not good for a husband and wife to be apart for long periods of time.

However, if this is the only way and you are in dire straits of becoming homeless, then it is recommended that you do whatever is needed to maintain a home.

Insha’Allah, it will not come to that. Insha’Allah, you and your wife can either pare down your expenses to where it is more manageable for you, or you can come to an agreement and move to another area where the pay is higher.

Wanting to Visit Mom


You stated that you have not seen or visited your mom in about 10 years. You said that you wanted to visit but you can’t, and you can’t help her as much as you want financially because of your current situation. Brother, I imagine this weighs heavy on your heart.

Our mothers are very dear to us, and we want to take care of them to the best of our ability. It is also very difficult when we cannot see them. 

Insha’Allah, when you get ahead a little bit financially, you could possibly put some money away every paycheck into a fund for taking a trip out to see her.

If you have siblings back home, you may wish to discuss with them your current situation regarding your inability to help as much as you would like. In this way, they will understand that you face hard times and you do not just ignore your responsibility to your mom.

I am sure that your mom understands and knows that you love her very much. I know this does not make it easier brother, but just know that these times will pass they are a test. As difficult as it may seem right now, things will get better. We must do our best in this life and put our trust in Allah. 

Navigating Hard Times Together


Some of the keys to getting through this difficult time is patience, faith, communication with your wife, and making du’aa’ to Allah to grant ease concerning your finances.

Brother, I would also kindly suggest that you do keep alert for other opportunities in your area. There may be a job that pays more and has greater opportunity.

Again, make du’aa’ to Allah to guide you to a more productive and lucrative job in order that you can provide for your family in a more stable way.

In this world, your best teammate and supporter is your wife. Please do take into consideration her thoughts on all of this. At the same time, you are the provider and maintainer of your wife. She should be sensitive, understanding, and sacrifice as well for the marriage.

In the end, brother, as you know, you have the last say in the matter. My point in all this is that as spouses you are in this together and should consider each other’s feelings. 

I understand that you consider hers, she should consider yours as well. She should also know that whatever final decision you make, it for the good of the marriage and family structure. Marriage is a sacrifice at times.

Trust in Allah


Dear brother, trust in Allah and continue to make du’aa’ for His continued blessings and mercy. In time, brother, you will be through this hard part in your life. You will be stronger in the outcome as will your marriage,insha’Allah. 

Often, going through hardships brings a couple closer. It is a shared experience that was resolved together. As you know, in life, there are hard times and good times, but we all make it through somehow.

I am confident that you, along with your wife’s input, will make a good decision regarding your future direction.

Get Married to the Girl I Love Or Complete My Study?


03 July, 2020


QAsalamwalaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatu,

I want to marry a girl but I am not financially settled as I am just a student and she is a student too.

She is younger than me and I gave her dawah about true Islam and Alhamdulillah she accepted all my words from Quran and sahih hadeeth, which made me like her.

Her character is very good and she is very religiously committed. Earlier she was not pious but now she is learning deen and pondering upon it.

So I want to marry her, I have a feeling for her in my heart so I will marry now nor she will because of our further studies, may be 3-4 years later in shaa Allah.

She is not so beautiful but her piousness made me love her. So what to do?

Should I ask her will you marry me, Or wait for her time to be getting married?

As I fear if anybody else sends marriage proposal to her father. I need your advice.

And also, I want a beautiful wife but as prophet Muhammad pbuh said character and piousness are first preference for being married a righteous woman and that she is alhamdulillah.

What to do? Please do reply my answers. Jazakallahmulahu kairan.

ANSWER

Aisha Mohammad


03 July, 2020


In this counseling answer


The questioner fears to lose the pious girl if he doesn’t marry her. The counselor advises him to wait until she takes shahadda and gets more settled as a Muslima before his proposal.

Then, If he wants to wait to finish his study and be financially settled, So he tells her that he  respects and admires her pious qualities, that he is attracted to her as a possible future wife and that he would like to marry her.

If she accepts, they should make arrangements to go to her family’s home and speak to them about his proposal.

Get Married Now or Wait Until She Graduates?

As-salamu alaykum,


Shokran for writing into us. Alhumdulilah you have found someone whom you feel you are compatible with. I am very happy for you brother! I am a bit confused, however.

Forgive me if I misunderstood you but you stated she is studying Islam from Qur’an and hadith, has accepted it and is pondering upon it. Has she taken shahadda yet? If not I would kindly advise that you wait until she takes shahadda and gets more settled as a Muslima before you propose.

Get Married to the Girl I Love Or Complete My Study? - About Islam


Her conversion


I suggest this to ensure that her interest is in Islam and that she truly loves Allah (swt) and believes in her heart that Islam is the true path, true religion. Often times a girl will be intested in Islam because she is ‘in love” with the man who has taught her.

By waiting dear brother, you can see whether it is truly Islam she loves or if she is just doing it for you. If she is just doing it for you, it may cause some problems down the line if she truly does not have Islam in her heart and begins to live un-Islamically.

This would be a heartbreak for you. Insha’Allah she is truly going to take Shahadda for the sake of Allah (swt) (or she already did) and everything will work out wonderfully for you both.

Financial situation


In regards to your financial situation, there are many cases wherein the students do get married while in school but they often have the support from one or both families until they finish school. As in your case, you stated you may choose to wait which is fine too alhumdulilah.

If the case of waiting 3-4 years, I would kindly suggest that you inform her of your intent. Simply tell her that you respect and admire her pious qualities. Also you are attracted to her as a possible future wife, that you feel you both would be compatible and that you would like to marry her.

Insha’Allah have a visual plan in your mind as to where and how you will live as it may be a question that comes up.

Proposal


If she accepts, I would make arrangements to go to her family’s home and speak to them about your proposal. You may want to bring a member of your family as well. It was not clear if her family is Muslim or not, if her family is not Muslim it is still a sign of respect and serious intent.

Again, be well prepared to answer questions regarding your ability to take care of her, your way of life as well as your character references from people who know you in the community. Insha’Allah brother everything will go smoothly.

Self Confidence – A Key to Success in a Muslim’s Life

Tabassum


03 July, 2020


Do you have a hard time giving da’wah (religious advice) to people?

5 Strategies to Improve Self Confidence

Most of us do.

Why?

We know very well that we should share beneficial knowledge, that we will be questioned about seeing people doing things wrong and not correcting them.

Why then can’t we do it?

That’s just one disadvantage of not having enough self-confidence. A lack of self-confidence can cause havoc in people’s lives. From your job to your marriage, from your worship to your parenting – it affects all areas of your life. It’s a powerful weapon of Satan in his fight to deviate us from the Straight Path.

What is Self-Confidence?


Although often used synonymously, self-confidence and self-esteem are two different concepts. Esteem is about honoring, valuing, respecting, loving and taking care of.

People with a high self-esteem never seriously consider harming themselves unnecessarily, whereas suicide is linked to low self-esteem. If someone doesn’t respect himself enough, his life has little value to him.

Self-confidence, on the other hand, is about trust, faith and reliance. When you are confident about accomplishing a particular task, you have complete reliance on your ability to do it.

Identify Your Areas of Low Self-Confidence


Self-confidence varies a lot from person to person; it even varies within a single person. You can be self-confident in some areas of life and not in others. For example, someone might be very confident about their cooking skills but not so much about how they look.

Reliance on Allah at Odds with Self-Confidence?

“I know I am very intelligent when it comes to studies,” says a sister I know well, “considering all my past good scores in school and college. But I’m very unsure of myself when it comes to my appearance. I am very conscious of my upper lip hair.

I’ve been teased about having a ‘mustache’ since childhood. And I was never as beautiful as my friends or relatives. I’m just not sure what my husband thinks of me. Although he keeps saying that he finds me beautiful. But I often feel that he’s just being nice.”

It all depends on our life experiences. A child who is repeatedly scolded by teachers and parents for not being good at studies, and mocked at for not understanding a concept as quickly as his peers, will probably end up having low self-confidence in academics for the rest of his life.

Whilst low self-esteem is linked to depression, low self-confidence is linked to anxiety, worry and phobias.

Many people distrust their ability to speak coherently in front of a crowd, hence the common anxiety of public speaking. Others lack confidence in their communication skills, sometimes ending up with social phobia.

Self-Confidence and Tawakkul


Contrary to what some people believe, self-confidence and tawakkul aren’t contradictory concepts. Having trust in yourself doesn’t mean you don’t have trust in Allah, and vice versa. In fact, tawakkul is actually the source of true healthy self-confidence. How so? Let me explain.

How does a child develop the confidence to walk? First, the mother helps the child to stand up holding her hands. Then she lets go, moves a few steps back and calls the child to come to her. The child is unsure at first whether he can make it or not, but his mother’s smile gives him confidence.

The logic is: “If she thinks I can do it, then, of course, I can do it! Cos mom’s never wrong!” His confidence in his mother translates to his confidence in himself. Soon the child has gained enough confidence in his ability to balance his body that he is walking all over the house!

If the child didn’t trust his mother, he’d probably learn walking very much later in life.

6 Simple Tricks to Instantly Boost Your Confidence

The Visual Cliff


There’s a wonderful experiment in child psychology called the Visual Cliff. The baby is placed on a table, half of which is sunk but has a glass top.

On the other side of the table his mom is standing, and also a toy is waiting for him. The baby can safely cross the table to the other side, but he doesn’t know this. All he can see is that he’s sitting on a cliff with a steep dive halfway down the table.

Does the baby cross across to get his toy? It all depends on his confidence on his mother. If she’s looking encouraging, he will typically cross over. If, on the other hand, she looks fearful, he won’t.

Would you be willing the jump off a cliff if Allah told you to?

Tawakkul is having confidence in Allah. Now, Allah says in the Quran that you will be a loser unless you advise others to the truth (103:1-3). He has also said that He won’t give you a task that’s beyond your capacity (2:286). Do you have confidence in Allah?

The logic is:

“Allah told me to give da’wah, and He also told me that I can do it. So, of course, I can do it. Cos Allah is never wrong!”

If you have tawakkul in Allah, you will overcome your shyness and talk to people about Allah. And the more you do so, the more your tawakkul will increase, and so will your self-confidence.

(From Discovering Islam’s archive.)