Feeling Ignored by Others? Here are 6 Cures
24 June, 2020
QSir i have a problem in life which is causing me a huge depression and effecting my daily life. Sir ALHAMDULILLAH i am very close to Allah. I read Quran, make my prayers on time, listen to naats and watch islamic videos. However i always feel that i am always ignored by people. Now i don't know what the problem which makes me think life this. Every new person i meet i feel that he ignores me and do not give me importance. To be honest i have this bad habit which i know is very bad but it is. That is that i always want to be a centre of attraction of everything, whenever someone else gets more importance than me than i start feeling jealous from that person and my heart gets filled of hatred towards that person. MY problem is so deep and minor that if someone do not give me proper reply on message or in a group then i am not able to sleep in night due to that. Now please help me so that i can get rid of this filthy addiction of getting importance and stuff. Please support your answer from Quran and hadith. Secondly whenever i go to a ceremony or any place i always feel that i am being ignored, i feel that people don't want to listen to me. To be very honest this is not true like i just think like this. Becz ALHAMDULILLAH i have a gr8 family and good friends but i only think like this and i am not able to finish this habit. I need a complete Resurrection of my mind and thinking. I have one more issue i am too afraid to speak in front of people i feel that i will be judged. I think soooooo much before i speak and then when i do not get response from people i again get depressed. I think then someone may say something to me. And if someone say something to me, i will mind that to such an extend that I wont be able to sleep in nights. I only feel this i feel that everyone gets respect and importance except me.
ANSWER
Dina Mohamed Basiony
24 June, 2020
Short Answer:
As long as we put people’s opinions and the worldly matters as our main goal and focus, we’ll continue to feel a sense of deprivation.
If you focus on pleasing Allah instead, then Allah will suffice you emotionally, spiritually, and socially.
Don’t worry about being important in the sight of people, but be important in the Sight of Allah, and Allah will give you respect and honor.
Regarding wanting to be the center of attention, remember the example of the Messenger of Allah, Muhammad, who used to refuse to be the center of attention, even though he is the most important man that ever walked this earth.
In regards to being jealous of other people and hating them if they’re successful, it’s important to know that Satan and the nafs (lower self) provoke these feelings of jealousy and hatred.
Regarding being afraid to speak in front of people, do not feel tempted to speak in the first place unless you do have something important to say.
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Salam alaykum,
BismAllah and AlhamduliAllah (in the Name of Allah, and all praise is due to Allah).
Thank you for your question.
Here are some tips from the Quran and Sunnah to help guide your heart, mind, and actions, by Allah’s Permission.
Feeling Ignored by Others? Here are 6 Cures!
1- Regarding the issue of feeling ignored by others and thinking too much about their opinion, as long as we put people’s opinions and the worldly matters as our main goal and focus, we’ll continue to feel a sense of deprivation. The Prophet [saw] said:
“Whoever is focused only on this world, Allah will confound his affairs and make him fear poverty constantly, and he will not get anything of this world except that which has been decreed for him. Whoever is focused on the Hereafter, Allah will settle his affairs for him and make him feel content with his loss, and his provision and worldly gains will undoubtedly come to him.” [Sunan Ibn Majah]
So, if you focus on pleasing Allah, then Allah will suffice you emotionally, spiritually, and socially. But if you focus on pleasing the people, then know that no one will be able to please the people all the time, and the people cannot constantly feed our hearts and souls. They are in need just like us. You will end up harboring feelings of being ignored unnecessarily.
Only Allah is The One free of need, and He is the Provider and Controller of hearts who can fill the hearts with peace and contentment, not the people.
2- If you want to feel loved, do what Allah loves. Allah Almighty says:
“Indeed, those who have believed and done righteous deeds – the Most Merciful will appoint for them affection.” (Quran 19:96)
So focus on loving Allah Himself and being genuine and sincere to Him, and He will appoint for you affection in the hearts of the good people.
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said:
“When Allah loves a slave, He calls Jibril (Gabriel) and says: ‘I love so-and-so; so love him.’ And then Jibril loves him. Then he (Jibril) announces in the heavens saying: Allah loves so-and-so; so love him; then the inhabitants of the heavens (the angels) also love him, and then people on earth love him.” [Al- Bukhari and Muslim].
You can also make the comprehensive and beautiful dua that the Prophet taught us:
(O Allah! I ask You for Your Love, the love of those who love You, and deeds which will cause me to attain Your Love. O Allah! Make Your Love dearer to me than myself, my family and the cold water)
‘Allahumma inni as’aluka hubbaka, wa hubba man yuhibbuka, wal-‘amalalladhi yuballighuni hubbaka. Allahumm-aj’al hubbaka ahabba ilayya min nafsi, wa ahli, wa minal-ma’il-baridi [At- Tirmidhi].
3- Don’t worry about being important in the sight of people, but be important in the Sight of Allah, and Allah will give you respect and honor. Only then will you stop feeling ignored.
Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) narrated that the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said:
“Sadaqah does not decrease property and Allah increases the honor of him who forgives and no one will humble himself for Allah’s sake except that Allah raises his status.” [Related by Muslim].
4- Regarding wanting to be the center of attention, remember the example of the Messenger of Allah, Muhammad, who used to refuse to be the center of attention, even though he is the most important man that ever walked this earth. He is the Messenger of The King of the universe to all of humanity.
The Prophet used to sit among his companions humbly to the extent that a strange person will not know who among them is the Messenger of Allah. Anas b. Malik reported:
a man entered the mosque on a camel and made it kneel down, and then tied his leg with rope. He then asked: Who among you is Muhammad?” [Sunan Abi Dawud]
Also, the Prophet [saw] refused to be overly praised and when some people used to exalt him, he would refer them to exalting only Allah and focusing their speech with him on what matters without excessiveness. Narrated Abdullah ibn ash-Shikhkhir:
I went with a deputation of Banu Amir to the apostle of Allah (ﷺ), and we said: You are our lord (sayyid). To this, he replied: The lord is Allah, the Blessed, and Exalted. Then we said: And the one of us most endowed with excellence and superiority. To this, he replied: Say what you have to say, or part of what you have to say, and do not let the devil make you his agents. [Sunan Ab Dawud]
5- In regards to being jealous of other people and hating them if they’re successful, it’s important to know that Satan and the nafs (lower self) provoke these feelings of jealousy and hatred. So seek refuge in Allah from Satan whenever this happens and remember two things:
A- Envy will only result in you losing your hasanat, as the Prophet [saw] said:
“Beware of envy because envy consumes (destroys) the virtues just as the fire consumes the firewood,” or he said “grass”. [Abu Dawud].
B- Without any need for envy, you can get what the other people have or even more by supplicating for them behind their backs. The Prophet [saw]
“Whenever a Muslim supplicates for his (Muslim) brother in his absence, the angels say: ‘May the same be for you too’.” [Muslim].
6- Finally, regarding being afraid to speak in front of people, do not feel tempted to speak in the first place unless you do have something important to say. And before you speak, you can make the dua that Prophet Musa (peace be upon him) made before speaking to Pharaoh and his people. He said,
“My Lord, expand for me my breast [with assurance], and ease for me my task, and untie the knot from my tongue, that they may understand my speech.” (Quran 20: 25-28)
I’m at A Crossroad in My Marriage
25 June, 2020
QI was born in London and my wife in Pakistan. We had a love marriage.
My wife cheated on me with my cousin then I found out that she has mental health issues and took her for treatment.
I forgave her and we went for Umrah. After returning back she took the kids and left without any reason at the same time falsely accused me and sent me to prison.
Social services got involved, but after few months the charges against me were dropped. My wife sent me divorce papers and left back to Pakistan and I was given full custody of the kids.
The kids contact her through video call and get to see her.
We have been divorced twice now.
If I forgive her again would I be silly? A lot of people have advised me Muslims should be merciful, but not naive and not to get bitten by the same thing twice (in my situation more than twice).
I know I still have feelings for her, feel sorry for her due to her mental illness, and my children are not getting a mother's affection in their lives.
But when she video calls the children and I see her face, it reminds me of the horrid times she put me and the kids through for no reasons at all, and cannot even apologize.
Just even an apology would probably change my mind. I'm so confused.
ANSWER
Monique Hassan
25 June, 2020
In this counseling answer:
Encourage the family and your wife to investigate a diagnosis with a licensed psychiatrist. Ensure she is being compliant with treatment and taking doctor recommendations into account if she wants to be around the children.
Keep appropriate authorities aware of the situation, such as children’s services, if they are still monitoring the situation.
Maintain records of all phone and email exchanges.
Enforce appropriate boundaries.
Seek out marital counseling if you want to reconcile the marriage. Do not feel pressured that you must do this.
Be clear with the family that the marriage is over if you have no intentions to try again with her.
Work with her to be positive co parents that provide stability for the children.
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Assalamu alaikum brother,
Thank you for taking the time to write in and express your concerns with us.
It is my understanding the Mother of your children suffers from mental health concerns, has been hospitalized repeatedly. The children have endured instability with custody situations, the family has not always practiced healthy communication and you are currently unsure if you should forgive and how to proceed forward.
I'm at A Crossroad in My Marriage - About Islam
To begin with, please understand we cannot provide a diagnosis or clinical treatment via counseling questions, but based on what you said, I can deduce that your wife may be in need of regular therapy and may require medication management.
Some mental illnesses require medication, such as those that cycle through manic states and your wife may or may not have this. I need to be clear again that we cannot diagnose via these questions, I want to share some information with you to increase your knowledge.
Please consider this information and do not hesitate to bring it up with her family as something they may need to investigate with a psychiatrist. Only a licensed psychiatrist can diagnose your wife.
Common symptoms related to Bipolar disorder:
– Racing and irrational thoughts
– Moments of very low depression with other moments of high energy and irritability. Low-lows with high-highs
– Poor decision making
– Hypersexuality and flirtation, especially in inappropriate situations or people
– Moments of spending excessive amounts of money during manic states
– Unusually talkative
– Depressive mood
– Insomnia
– Risk-taking behavior
– Impulsive behaviors
– Paranoia
– Delusions/Psychosis
Proper Treatment
You mentioned your wife having relapses with her mental health. Please be aware many mental health concerns can never be cured, rather they are managed. This means she will require mental health treatment periodically for the rest of her life.
She may experience depressive or manic episodes every few years or every few months, we really cannot determine that on here. I strongly encourage you to speak with her family about the fact she needs proper medical care.
This does not mean she has to be hospitalized, that is only for emergencies, it means she needs a regular psychiatrist and regular therapist who ensure she has appropriate medications (if needed) and appropriate therapy. Your wife sounds like she is ill and as such she should be shown mercy and help with her illness.
That being said, her mental illness is not an excuse to hurt you or hurt the children. You should set appropriate boundaries with her and ensure she is aware that she cannot cross them. For example, it is healthy for her to be a part of her children’s lives, but she cannot take the kids against your will or threaten to hurt them again.
She needs to understand it is not acceptable for her to be aggressive or threatening with any of you. You are not wrong for being fed up with her behavior and as a Father you have a duty to protect your children.
I encourage you to keep all text message and email exchanges. Ensure children services and authorities involved with the kids are always kept up to date on the family situation.
If you feel your wife needs further medical care at some point and is having another episode, immediately notify applicable authorities and her family.
I do not believe your wife ever intends to harm her children, but when she is in one of these mental states she may require help from family and her doctor to help her and ensure the children are around a stable environment.
Stay or Go
It is between you and your wife if you will seek to reconcile this marriage or it is over. Please understand simply saying I divorce you 3x does not mean you divorced 3x. You divorced once; does not matter how many times you say the word.
The legal aspect of all of this is really the least of your concerns. If you want to fix your marriage then you can try, if you do not want to fix it then do not.
Do not feel pressured by her or the family to fix this marriage. If you cannot be happy with her or simply do not want to risk all of this again, then do not be with her. You are well within your rights to say no I do not want this marriage.
If you decide that you are interested in reconciling this marriage, I strongly encourage you to seek out marital counseling alongside her personal counseling. This will help both of you learn healthy communication styles and what is harmful versus helpful.
I would also ensure you do not live with this cousin again. I believe the issues with your cousin are a part of her mental illness, but it is best not to make this more difficult.
If you decide that this marriage is done then ensure the family knows you are not going to try and reconcile, but that does not mean you cannot learn to be good coparents and friends.
The best situation is for the children to have both parents in a stable way with positivity. You can facilitate this with the Mother whether you are together or not.
Final Thoughts
Here is a summary of your next steps moving forward.
Encourage the family and your wife to investigate a diagnosis with a licensed psychiatrist. Ensure she is being compliant with treatment and taking doctor recommendations into account if she wants to be around the children.
Keep appropriate authorities aware of the situation, such as children’s services, if they are still monitoring the situation
Maintain records of all phone and email exchanges
Enforce appropriate boundaries
Seek out marital counseling if you want to reconcile the marriage. Do not feel pressured that you must do this.
Be clear with the family that the marriage is over if you have no intentions to try again with her.
Work with her to be positive coparents that provide stability for the children
I know this is heartbreaking to endure this type of treatment and behavior with someone you love. It is a blessing your parents are helping with the children, alhamdulillah. May Allah (swt) heal both of you and protect your children, ameen.
