I Can’t Bear Seeing My Husband Happy with His Other Wife


22 June, 2020


QMy husband and I had been married for 10 years. I am 54 and he is 42. When we married I was already a mother of two children and I was prepared for no more children. My husband said he didn’t want children.

Over the years he changed his mind and decided to take a second wife to have his own children. We discussed it for years and finally I accepted. He found a good sister who also accepted the fact that I was his first wife.

My struggle is that after the wedding with the second wife I feel my husband is not only happy that he is going to have his children but also he is very happy with his new 26 years old wife. He talks very highly about her making me feel I am less.

My jealousy has escalated, we are constantly arguing, constantly upset and I am constantly crying feeling like a loser. My husband assures me he loves me but I cannot deal or cope with the pain of having to share my husband.

The second wife appears to be cool about the whole situation making me look bad and immature being that I had already accepted the marriage.

How should I handle myself and how can I cope with my pain?

I am sad and no matter what my husband does to make feel loved, it’s not enough to erase the fact that he loves another woman and she brings him joy and hope of being a father. Help me please.

ANSWER

Zainab bint Younus


22 June, 2020


In this counseling answer:

The key is to remember that both wives struggle a great deal, facing their own insecurities and jealousies.

I truly believe that the secret to being able to positively live in a polygamous situation is not comparing oneself to the other woman. But in developing one’s own self-confidence and self-esteem.

Rather than focusing on what your husband has with his other wife, focus on what you have for yourself, and within your marriage.

Always turn to Allah.

Polygamy


4 Things Polygamy Has Taught Me about Monogamy


As-salaam alaikum,


Thank you for reaching out to us. I understand that your situation is an emotionally difficult one, and one that requires a great deal of personal strength to navigate.

I have a few suggestions and insights to share with you that I hope will be of benefit. Polygamy is always a challenging experience, for both the women involved as well as the men.

It is a steep learning curve in terms of accepting a drastic change to one’s relationship, discovering one’s own strengths and shortcomings, and coming to terms with and developing a deeper understanding of one’s own sense of self.

I Can't Bear Seeing My Husband Happy with His Other Wife - About Islam


Challenges


Being a first wife has its own set of challenges that are difficult to compare with the second wife’s challenges. However, the key is to remember that both wives struggle a great deal, facing their own insecurities and jealousies.

No matter how calm or put together the other wife may seem, know that she too is adjusting to a situation which is not common, and for which there are very few good resources to turn to.

While this may seem cold comfort to you initially, know that you also have certain aspects of your marriage and situation that advantageous: the history of your marriage with your husband, the depth of your relationship with him, and the security of knowing who you are as a person, and as a wife.

Dynamics


Many second wives, especially when first married, go through a honeymoon phase that is eventually followed by their own set of challenges: their own jealousy, insecurities, and growing pains of their own marriage and the dynamics within polygamy.

Some people view polygamy and the relationship of the wives with the husband as a competition. However, I truly believe that the secret to being able to positively live in a polygamous situation is not comparing oneself to the other woman. But in developing one’s own self-confidence and self-esteem.

People in such a marriage needs to work on positively improving their own specific marriage and relationship outside of the other marriage.

Rather than focusing on what your husband has with his other wife, focus on what you have for yourself, and within your marriage.

(And as a note: he really should not be talking about his other marriage to you, both for your sake and for hers. That marriage deserves its own space and privacy, and there should be sensitivity for your own emotional state as well.),

Focus on yourself


What are the things that make you happy, as an individual and as a wife? What are the things that you can do to improve your own emotional and mental well-being? Do you have passions and interests that you can spend time on for self-care?

What hobbies or activities do you share with your husband that are meaningful and enjoyable to you both? How can you both spend more time connecting positively rather than being stuck in a cycle of emotional toxicity?

What do you provide your husband, and what has he done for you, over the course of your marriage, that is special to you both?

While I understand that the situation is still quite new and that him having children with his new wife is something that is a point of emotional difficulty for you, there is also another option to consider in the future.

Co-wives


Once you are personally in a better state of being with regards to adjusting to polygamy, you can ask yourself what you want for the future of the polygamous unit. Are you willing to consider establishing a relationship with your co-wife?

Would you be willing to become friends with her, or at the very least, connect with each other as respectful sisters in Islam? How will you deal with your husband’s future children with her? Are you willing to consider becoming a larger family unit – one where the children will know who you are, view you as a family member, and feel safe and comfortable with you?

While all those may be heavy questions to ask, and may seem jarring or unrealistic, it is worth keeping in mind. No doubt, your husband wants to maintain a happy marriage with you while also developing his marriage with his other wife, and his family as a whole.

That means not just two separate marriages, but connecting together as a larger family unit that shares certain values – such as remembering to love one another for the sake of Allah, and trying to cooperate as best as possible.

Turn to Allah


It may be that you do not come to a place where you are comfortable with this. On the other hand, you may reach a point where you are open to this option, and will inshaAllah benefit greatly as a result.

In the meantime, always remember to turn to Allah. He alone can soothe your heart, ease the pain in your marriage, and transform your situation from one of overwhelming negativity to one of the blessings even in times of difficulty.

I also recommend doing research on how to handle the emotional challenges of poly, in particular, feelings of jealousy, hurt and anger. There are actually many good resources from non-Muslim outlets, specifical ones about polyamory.

By learning about the methods used to process those emotions, and combining them with an Islamic perspective and remembering one’s Islamic values, I hope that your journey into polygamy will become easier to cope with.

May Allah bless your marriage, grant you peace of mind and heart, and strengthen you as a woman and as a believer,

Fiancé Is Pro Abuse, Should I Continue the Relationship?


22 June, 2020


QSalam alaykum,

I am a girl from the Netherlands and me and someone from France want to get married. I am from Moroccan heritage (24 years old) and he is Algerian (25 years old).

I am scared of something that he said and that I might end up in an abusive marriage. He asked me the following; what do you think about a man hitting his wife if she is not listening to him or disrespecting him.

When I asked him to clarify, he said when I tell her to dress modest and she slips or when she talks bad to me or without respect.

I told him that I am against any sort of violence and that it should be communicated. He said that he already communicated it but if she still does not listen he will hit her and if she then again still doesn't listen he will bring her back to her parents.

For me this is scary because why would you already think about hitting your wife when u are not married yet.

Of course I will listen to my husband and respect him, but what if I raise my voice one day because of frustration?

On the other hand he said a wife should support her husband, in case he gets addicted to alcohol or drugs.

For me it sounds strange.. a wife needs to support her husband when he fails but when a wife fails she should be hit?

I am really in doubt as to whether continuing this path with him or ending it.

Other then that he seems very respectful and religious. He is sweet, but this made me doubt the whole situation considering that I am raised in an abusive family and that I don't want my children to experience the same.

I am looking forward to your answer both your opinion as well as how the Islamic perspective is on this issue. Thank you so much in advance!

ANSWER

Monique Hassan


22 June, 2020


In this counseling answer:

It is your decision whether to proceed in this marriage, but my genuine response is to get away from him now.

The Prophet Mohamed (PBUH) did not beat his wives or talk to them in mean ways. 

Reflect on the idea of breaking the cycle.

Reflect on what the Quran and Prophetic example show us regarding marital treatment.

Pray Isikhara.

If you end this relationship, cut him off completely. If you decide to pursue this marriage, ensure you are close to family support.

Fiancé Is Pro Abuse, Should I Continue the Relationship? - About Islam


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Assalamu alaikum,


 It is my understanding you are seeking advice regarding the potential marriage to a man who has made it known he supports the idea of hitting a woman for her clothing or perceived attitude. At the same time he expects a woman to be merciful and take care of her husband if he starts to use drugs or has an attitude with her.

My dear Sister, this is a huge red flag. It is your decision whether to proceed in this marriage, but my genuine response is to get away from him now. He has already shown you that he is going to be aggressive and controlling, likely in a physical manner. 

Fiancé Is Pro Abuse, Should I Continue the Relationship? - About Islam


Past


You mentioned having a history of abuse in your family. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for people who come from abuse to end up in a domestic abuse situations in their adult life. It is what they know. It became their norm and as such part of their subconscious sees familiarity within others who might behave that way.

This concept of trends repeating themselves is often referred to when talk about breaking the cycle or how some people seemed destined to repeat history.

Human beings like ritual and repetition, our brains are hardwired to put things on autopilot when able. If you have a history of domestic abuse, I urge you to consider how important it is for you to break that cycle. 

Religious and Sweet


You are seeing his best side right now; he is showing you only the golden parts of his personality. Once married, he will become more realistic.

You claim he is religious; would a pious man talk about hitting his wife before even married? We can look to the example of the Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him), surely this is the best example to determine if a husband is behaving in line with his faith. 

It was narrated from Ibn ‘Abbas that:

the Prophet said: “The best of you is the one who is best to his wife, and I am the best of you to my wives.”

[Sunan Ibn Majah]

Our Prophet


We know the Prophet’s (saws) character towards his wives was one of mercy, kindness, being helpful and overall healthy relationship dynamics. I do not know of any verses or text that allude to anything other than the most kind and loving treatment.

The Prophet Mohamed (saws) did not beat his wives or talk to them in mean ways.  I ask you how a man who claims to be religious can advocate for beating his wife before he has even married her?

Furthermore, is it not hypocritical for him to ask the wife to show mercy and care yet the man does not have to in his perspective. Let us look at what the Quran says about our spouses. 

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.”

[Quran 30:21]

Here we see that Al-Wadud, the Most Loving,  The Most Affectionate,  The Beloved,  The Loving-Kindness, is telling us our spouses are meant to be sources of affection, mercy and peace. Think about this Sister, Allah (The most Honored and Revered) is telling us to find tranquility within our spouses.

The Prophet Mohamed (peace be upon him) is telling us that the best men are the ones who are good to their wife. The Quran has a whole surah named after mercy, Ar-Rahman Surah 55. And the Quran begins with Bismillah, Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim (In the name of God, The All-Compassionate and All-Merciful).

All of this together paints a beautiful image of what a marriage should be. Mercy, compassion, forgiveness, patience, and overall tranquility.

Istikhara


That does not mean marriage is easy, it requires compromise and work. But a marriage should be entered into from this type of religious perspective, not a perspective of aggression and control. 

I ask you to sit for a moment and ask yourself this question. Is he truly a religious and sweet man? I also encourage you to pray istikhara about this situation. Praying istikhara helps you to not only listen to your own instincts, but to reach out to your Lord and ask for guidance.

This answer can give you strength and motivation. If you need assistance understanding istikhara, here is a link that explains how to pray istikhara as well as how to interpret the answer. 

Stay or leave


As mentioned previously, it is your decision if you decide to pursue this marriage or end it. If you do decide to end it then I suggest making a clean cut. That looks like blocking all social media, phone contacts and overall removing him from your life.

At first this will be difficult, and it will hurt, but the sooner you do this the sooner you can heal and get over him. He may try to convince you otherwise, just remember he already showed you a red flag.

Remember that you know what abusers are like, they tend to be great at sweet-talking when necessary. When you block all access to you, it ensures he cannot manipulate you with his words. 

Also If you decide to pursue this marriage despite your reservations, I encourage you to stay close to your family. If anything happens and he becomes aggressive, you need a support system nearby that you can quickly go to.

While we never enter marriages expecting aggression or divorce, it is safer to be prepared how you would handle such a situation since you know this is something he believes in. 

Final Thoughts


Here is a summary of your next steps forward Sister. 

Reflect on the idea of breaking the cycle


Reflect on what the Quran and Prophetic example show us regarding marital treatment


Pray Isikhara


If you end this relationship, cut him off completely. If you decide to pursue this marriage, ensure you are close to family support


Marriage is a big decision Sister, one that will shape the future of your life. Please consider what I have said to you today. Reflect, pray, and make the best decision for your happiness inshallah. May Allah (Swt) guide your choices and protect you, ameen.