Everyone Says I’m Ugly; I Wish to Die
23 June, 2020
QHello. I'm 19 and have been struggling for 6 years.
Sometimes I feel I'm not a human because a human cannot suffer like this. Let me explain my difficulties.
Firstly, my first and foremost depressions are about my looks. To everyone, my parents are beautiful. I am supposed to be beautiful like them.
I was somehow cute until I was 11 but then became ugly. When I was 15, everyone insulted me because of my looks. They said, “why are you so ugly? It seems you are not their son. This insult has made my life horrible.
Secondly, I fell love with a girl and I wanted to marry her. But she cheated on me. I want to forget her but I still cannot.
Thirdly, I'm a stammer. I'm made fun of and insulted for this.
Fourthly, I was a very good student when I was in primary school. But when I admitted to high school, I couldn't get good grades.
Fifth, I'm very fooled and I'm insulted every day by my friends. I'm getting isolated from everything.
Why has Allah made my life so difficult? I don't know how I can live like this.
I want to die or fix these problems. I know committing suicide is haram and for this, I cannot do this.
But also I cannot live like this. Why is Allah doing this with me?
ANSWER
Madiha Sadaf
23 June, 2020
In this counseling answer:
If Allah makes a point to mention that He is not concerned with the outward beauty of an individual, then who are we to judge an individual based on their outward appearance?
You are a beautiful person and that is determined by your relationship with Allah, not people’s comment of your outward appearance.
Know that everyone is imperfect. Everyone has some imperfections that they look beyond, and you must do the same.
It would be helpful if you started a blessing journal. Each day, write down 3 things that you felt good about and grateful for that day.
Set boundaries and avoid complainers. However, if you simply cannot avoid them, don’t spend too much time in their presence.
Talk about your feelings with your parents.
If you feel suicidal or that you’re going to harm yourself, please ask for help immediately.
Self Confidence – A Key to Success in a Muslim’s Life
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum dear brother,
Thank you for placing your trust in our ability to propose a solution to your current situation.
I am sorry to hear of the hard times that you are going through right now. You must always remember that if life is bringing on sad moments right now, there will soon be happy moments coming your way.
Dear brother, you must realize that not everyone is blessed in life with exactly what they want. But the happy ones are those who are happy with exactly what they have been blessed with. So, focus on what you have been blessed with.
It would be helpful if you started a blessing journal. Each day, write down 3 things that you felt good about and grateful for that day. It can be as small events as a sunny day, eating chocolate or smelling a nice flower. Anything that you feel grateful about to Allah.
Everyone Says I’m Ugly; I Wish to Die - About Islam
Define beauty
Dear brother, what is ugliness? Is being beautiful/handsome defined by the skin color? Abs? flawless skin? Height? Weight? Hair quality? I find such qualities of defining an individual’s beauty as being pure shallow.
None of these qualities last much longer. After a certain time, the skin starts to age, and those big eyes, high cheekbones and good sturdy manly face qualities diminish. So, why worry about what is not permanent?
What is permanent is the condition of the heart. What is permanent is the thought process. What is permanent is a person’s characteristics.
The Prophet said,
“Allah does not look at your outward appearance and your wealth, rather He looks at your hearts and deeds.” [Sahih Bukhari]
If Allah makes a point to mention that He is not concerned with the outward beauty of an individual, then who are we to judge an individual based on their outward appearance?
You are not an ugly person simply because a few ignorant people said you are. You are a beautiful person and that is determined by your relationship with Allah, not people’s comment of your outward appearance.
Be patient
I understand that listening to people’s insult you is hard on you emotionally and mentally. However, dear brother, realize that it is you who chose what disturbs you and does not disturb you.
In these situations, you must be patient. Being patient means to try and forget what disturbs and causes emotional and mental unhappiness. You must realize that this world is simply a test, and nothing lasts for too long.
Allah says in the Quran,
“And will reward them for what they patiently endured [with] a garden [in Paradise] and silk [garments].” (Quran 76: 12)
Allah also says in the Quran,
“And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits but give good tidings to the patient.” (Quran 2: 155)
No one is in control of you beside you yourself. Once you realize and internalize this you will see that your life will change for the better.
Occupy yourself with what matters
You are only 19. You have your entire life ahead of you, in Sha Allah. If you are absorbing a few negative comments with utmost pain, then you will not steer yourself in the direction of a productive future.
You mentioned that when you were in primary school, you were a good student. However, entering high school had a drastic effect on your grades. This is because high school is not in primary school.
In the primary, students are told by the teachers what to do, how to do, what steps to take, and exactly what is required, without the student really having to do anything with complete independence.
However, in high school, the student is independent. The teacher does not really pamper the student with many guidelines aside from the basic ones and the student must work on time with punctuality and keep all materials.
But, this is not going to be easy if your mind is occupied with negativity about those who insult you. Remember, that their comments can either bring you down or raise you.
Will their comments and insults matter to you in the next five years? No! What will matter is that if you let their comments destroy your inner peace such that you are not capable of paying attention in the school and, hence, let your marks suffer.
Don’t let people’s ignorance be the cause of your failure! Be better than that and define your future!
Set boundaries and avoid complainers. However, if you simply cannot avoid them, don’t spend too much time in their presence.
Don’t over analyze the situation. I believe that most of your negativity is the result of you dwelling on the insults. Simply hear and forget. It may be hard, but if you occupy your mind with what is more important, then this will not be a hard feat.
In addition, dear brother, there is nothing with having a stutter. It is a problem which can be easily fixed. But in most people, the stutter is a result of stress in the background, negativity, and lack of confidence. You should also visit a speech therapist for more professional guidance.
You should try to be involved in activities that will take your mind off your thoughts. Research shows that walking or running is a cure to depressed and anxious patients, creates creative minds and increases the lifespan of an individual. Therefore, make it a habit to go out for a run/walk every single day.
Gain back your confidence
Dear brother, it seems that these hurdles in your life have made you lose your confidence completely and made you depressed from the inside.
You must accept who you are and be happy about it.
I am sure there are many things that you excel at. Write them down. Practice them and realize that your skillset is different from everyone else’s.
You must not let their comments affect you and make you seem defeated and insulted.
This can only be achieved if you grow positivity in your mind and learn about those who have overcome grave situations to be successful in the future. Look at the history of prominent leaders, and you will realize that they were prey to insults and failures.
You must be happy with your own appearance and dress yourself to please yourself and Allah.
Dear brother, if we try to please the creation, nothing will be enough. If we are satisfied with our actions, nothing should bother us.
Know that everyone is imperfect. Everyone has some imperfections that they look beyond, and you must do the same.
Lastly, you can only forget the girl you were once interested in marrying if you define your priorities. You are only 19, and at this age, the brain is not completely developed. Most of the love that individuals seem to experience is merely infatuation.
If you have any text messages from her or her photos, or her as a friend on social media, I suggest you delete them and consider it a past long gone. Again, if you think about what will matter 5 or 10 years down the line, it will become easier to realize what is important now.
Remind yourself of Allah’s promises
Allah says in the Quran,
O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.” (Quran 39:53)
“Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” (Quran 13:28)
“And We have already created man and know what his soul whispers to him, and We are closer to him than [his] jugular vein.” (Quran 50: 16)
These are the promises that are made by Allah to His slaves, us. As you can see, Allah addresses each point you have made in your question. He says that He is close to you, and if you remember Him, your heart will find peace, and if you ask for forgiveness, He will forgive you.
I pray that Allah helps you and relieves you of your troubles as soon as possible.
I Made the Change – Now What?
Selma Cook
23 June, 2020
By far the biggest change I ever made in my life was becoming a Muslim in 1988, but after that, the next biggest change was leaving my homeland, Australia, and migrating to Egypt where I stayed for eighteen years.
Lifestyle
Not Living a Muslim Lifestyle?
Now back in Melbourne, Australia, trying to make sense of it all has been a challenge to say the least; particularly trying to understand where I go from here.
I had been a Muslim for about five years when I thought of packing up and heading off to a ‘Muslim land’. With young children in tow, I settled in Egypt.
The thought of trying to raise my children alone in Australia had daunted me. I was not confident in my ability to give them the solid moral and ethical foundation in life without the support of a strong family and community network. In those days in Australia, the Muslim community was fraught with nationalistic barriers and ignorance.
As an Australian Muslim I did not seem to fit in anywhere. Everyone seemed to regard their opinion as the right one and as a new Muslim I saw only one way out of this confusion: Arabic! I believed that if my children could understand Arabic they would have the tools to make sense of the myriad of opinions and interpretations that had disunited many Muslims.
I spent the next eighteen years carrying out my intention to have my children learn Arabic and I succeeded, but at a cost: I never learned it myself! I was so busy working and raising my children that there was little time for me.
Living in Egypt
The Islamic atmosphere that pervades some areas of life in Egypt, including school, close friends and my work environment, offered my children a practical look at the manners, etiquettes, support and traditions that have made Muslims throughout history role models of humanity.
Be Confident - Hold Your Head Up High
The majority of editors in the English department were women, so policies were flexible to enable the women to juggle work and family.
I recall many times bringing my young children to work with me during school holidays and putting down a mat with toys and snacks for them so they could play quietly while I worked at my desk. They saw the staff as part of an extended family; not just a community, who consistently gave them warmth, acceptance and attention.
At first hand, my children saw respect for elders, mercy towards the young, family solidarity and the importance of caring for the poor and needy. As they grew, they felt the happiness of giving to others, rather than just seeking things for themselves.
They have been part of fund raising events and projects to raise money for children in Kenya, Egypt and tsunami-hit Aceh. They developed compassion, the ability to recognize wisdom and the joy of family and friends.
Highlights of their young years have been centered around `Eid prayers held outside in massive spaces for the occasion, with people praying out onto the streets.
On one particular occasion, young eyes witnessed a sea of humanity rising, bowing and prostrating in unison as `Eid was ushered in by early morning prayers held in the open before a day of festivities. Rich and poor alike shared the unity of prayer. God Almighty guided us to Egypt and much good came of it.
Towards the end of our time in the Middle East I realized that Egypt had played its role in our lives. The children were fluent in Arabic and English, they had the understanding of how to behave and think as Muslims and they were confident and hopeful about their future.
The problem was that over the years my children had been separated and I had two sons in Australia and three children with me in Egypt. I longed for us all to be together and I turned to God for help. In a short time, the situation changed for us there and I found a way for us to return to Australia.
If countries could be people, Egypt would be my best friend but Australia would always be my mother. The whole world belongs to God Almighty and He invited humankind to travel and seek His Bounty.
Wherever we go in this world, we will find opportunities to learn, people to help and nature to inspire us. I used to think that if I could be in a Muslim populated country I would feel nearer to my Creator.
And although I miss the sound of the Adhan (call to prayer), I still feel closest to God Almighty when I am close to nature and when I read the Quran and contemplate God’s Greatness.
Muslim Converts in the West - Outer & Inner Conflicts
I have found that proximity to people, whoever and wherever they are, does not necessarily draw us closer to God. If the heart is near to Him, wherever we are, we will be close to Him.
Despite the importance of surrounding ourselves with good people, it is also important that we do and say good and set ourselves on a quest to serve the Creator by serving His creation. Wherever we are in this amazing world, we can do this.
Back in Melbourne
After nearly twenty years I look around Melbourne, Australia and see many significant changes. First there are many more Muslims spread all over the city, although some areas are still predominantly Muslim populated.
Muslims are also working in a variety of areas and are free, as before, to show their Islamic identity. The difference is, that now, more people are choosing to do so. More Muslims are completing university studies and contributing in varied and essential ways.
There are still a number of mosques that belong to specific ethnic groups; however, there are a number of centers opening that cater to everyone and especially focus on youth from all backgrounds and new Muslims. Other traditionally ethnic mosques are opening their doors to any group that wants to start lessons, gatherings or projects and there is an atmosphere of growing cooperation.
Islam has and still does receive a lot of media coverage – some positive and a lot negative, but what all this seems to have done is make the general population aware of Islam.
Racism and bigotry have their place in all nations; and often the best way to combat it is to show a practical, positive example of how Islam impacts on a person’s behavior, character and manners.
(From Discovering Islam’s archive.)
