Using Interrupted Intercourse to Delay Pregnancy
15 April, 2020
QIs it OK to use the interrupted method during intercourse to delay pregnancy? When the sperms want to go into the vagina, but the penis is removed?
ANSWER
Hannah Morris
15 April, 2020
In this counseling answer:
•Certainly, early in a marriage, couples like to have the time to get to know one another and enjoy life together before having children and this is often why newly married couples like to take their time at the start.
•On the other hand, having children early on, whilst you are younger, you may find easier to manage whilst you have more energy. It also gives you the opportunity to have more, if you desire to have a large family
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum wa Rahmatulahi wa Barakatuh,
There are a number of opinions on this as well as with contraception. Generally, we are encouraged to have children and grow the Ummah.
It was narrated from Aishah that the Messenger of Allah (swt) said:
“Marriage is part of my sunnah, and whoever does not follow my sunnah has nothing to do with me. Get married, for I will boast of your great numbers before the nations. Whoever has the means, let him get married, and whoever does not, then he should fast for it will diminish his desire.” (Ibn Majah)
Is There a Time Limit for Birth Control?
How Long Is It Permissible to Remain on Birth Control?
Interrupted Intercourse to Delay Pregnancy
However, there are occasions where having children can have detrimental consequences for the mother or the child, in which case, many scholars would agree that interrupted intercourse is ok.
“Narrated Jabir: We used to practice coitus interrupt us while the Qur’an was being revealed. Jabir added: We used to practice coitus interrupt us during the lifetime of Allah’s Messenger (saw) while the Qur’an was being Revealed.” (Sahih al-Bukhari)
What is important is to determine the reason why interrupted intercourse is being engaged in. If it is for Islamically permissible reasons, then most scholars would say this is ok. But if it is the case that the husband or wife are being denied something – either pleasure or a child-, then it is generally stated that this method is disliked.
Using Interrupted Intercourse to Delay Pregnancy - About Islam
There are many reasons why people might choose to delay having a child, especially when they are young and are in the early days of marriage. Having a child is a very daunting prospect. It creates a lot of change in one’s life. Some of these changes can be very difficult to adjust to, but at the same time, having a child can be very fulfilling.
Certainly, early in a marriage, couples like to have the time to get to know one another and enjoy life together before having children and this is often why newly married couples like to take their time at the start.
On the other hand, having children early on, whilst you are younger, you may find easier to manage whilst you have more energy. It also gives you the opportunity to have more, if you desire to have a large family.
It is a difficult, but very important decision to make and one that you need to take consideration of these points, including those of the Islamic perspective, in order that you and your wife will make a decision that you will both be happy and content with.
May Allah (swt) guide you on the straight path and guide you to make decisions that are most pleasing to Him.
Husband is Annoyed with Having Sex
01 March, 2017
QAs-Salamu ‘Alaykum. Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my question. I don't know who to turn to with it as my family is not Muslim, and if I told this to anyone, my husband would be terribly angry. We've only been married a year, but we rarely have intercourse. We sleep in different rooms due to mattress issues. If I go to his room, he tells me that I'm disturbing his sleep. When he comes home, he goes straight to his office and only comes out to eat. If I want sex, I have to initiate it, and he seems to be annoyed by it. Thus, physical intimacy between us is rare and monotonous when it occurs. I've tried to change that, but it seems to be of no use. I apologize for being so open about things. I don't know what to do. I'm married, yet so alone.
ANSWER
Hwaa Irfan
01 March, 2017
Answer:
As Salamu ‘Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh dear sister,
Given the situation, you have been quite diplomatic about it. It is extremely difficult to talk about such personal issues when it is important to a spouse to remain silent, but for your husband the issue is obviously quite embarrassing. This should give you a clue.
For a newly married husband, in general, he has certain expectations of himself as a man and as a provider. When the husband learns certain things about himself that questions his sense of manhood, he will find it difficult to turn to someone, especially the wife, to seek a solution. He may be so concerned about it that he might not even have the mental-emotional space needed to realize that the reasons might be other than what he fears:
Not happy in his work
Insecure about the future
Finds the pace of life is too fast
Too many demands/pressures
Family problems
Medication, especially anti-depressants
Low level of the male hormone testosterone
Diabetes
Something that happened in the past
Depression
Low self-esteem
It could be none of these reasons, or it could be one, but you will never know until you begin to talk with each other as friends. Friendship in marriage is so undervalued when it is the essential quality that allows a husband and wife to share their joys and woes, strengths and weaknesses. Whatever fears one might have, they are more likely to be shared amongst friends.
As a relatively newly married couple, you are still getting to know one another, and time should be allowed for that, discovering each other’s likes and dislikes. If you can place more importance on nurturing friendship, this at least will ease the pressure your husband might be feeling to behave in the way you seek.
It is wrong to believe that everything falls into place simply because you are married. So, as much as you want it to work out in a particular way, try to remember that this marriage is the coming together of two individuals who have needs, desires, ambitions, weaknesses, and limitations. With all of that comes the need for mental space, and that space is important for self-understanding, reflection, and self-growth. Marriage in Islam is not about being so wrapped up in each other so that there is no room for the outside world; it is about mutual development towards, service, compassion, and the true meaning of unconditional love or love for the sake of Allah (swt).
My Wife Doesn’t Have Any Desire for Sex
24 March, 2020
QSalam Aleikom.
I got married half a year ago. She is a very good and humble person. But she doesn't have a sexual desire at all. So, I still haven’t had any sexual intercourse with her.
I Iove her so much, that's why I don't force her. I tried multiple times to make her understand that this is my right and I have a strong desire for sex and she also understands this, but still she says she doesn't feel it.
I know her for years. We were friends, so I know she didn't have any boyfriend or sexual intercourse before. I am very sure about that. She just doesn't have any desire for sex. She says she works hard all day to feed my family and at night she gets tired so she wants to sleep.
Besides that she doesn't even like kissing. She finds all these sexual things pointless. So what can I do?
I can't have sex outside the marriage as it is zina. Masturbation is haram, watching porn is haram, but I have a strong desire. Even if she agrees to do sex, she won't do it frequently, while I personally would wish to have it every day. What can I do?
Even if she does sex with me, I know she doesn't want it, so I do not feel satisfied doing it. I don't want to force her as I love her so much. Thank you.
ANSWER
Aisha Mohammad
24 March, 2020
In this counseling answer:
• There may be some things going on with your wife personally, with the relationship, or the home situation that causes her to not feel desire.
• Ask her how you can change her daily routine to make them more manageable for her.
Abnormally High Sexual Desire: Can I Masturbate?
• It is important as a couple that you spend time together, doing enjoyable things that will create a bond between both of you.
• Help her to get counseling on a regular basis.
• Make efforts to romance her.
As Salamu Alaykum brother,
As I understand your situation, you got married 6 months ago. You are concerned because your wife does not want to have sex. This must be a difficult and disheartening situation for you, brother, and I admire your patience and kindness with your wife.
Newly Married but no Intimacy
I am not sure if the two of you have initially consummated your marriage yet or not. However, intimacy is a very important aspect of marriage. You are right in saying that you don’t want to force her.
It is her choice whether or not she wants to have sex, and I’m happy to hear that you respect that.
There may be some things going on with your wife personally, with the relationship, or the home situation that causes her to not feel desire.
Too Tired for Sexual Relations
You stated that your wife says that she works hard all day to feed and care for your family, and at night she gets tired and wants to sleep.
Thus, she is disinterested in sex. Brother, perhaps you may wish to address the issue with more in-depth communication.
My Wife Doesn’t Have Any Desire for Sex - About Islam
I kindly suggest that you sit down with her when things are calm, and ask her how you can change her daily routine to make them more manageable for her.
I am not sure how many people she is taking care of, but it may be a lot and consume much of her energy. Maybe there are others in the home who can help her out. Perhaps this is not the lifestyle she expected when she got married.
Marital Life and Expectations
You wife may have entered the marriage thinking that you and her would have your own apartment and your own lives, and therefore she may feel disappointed or overwhelmed at the current situation.
Perhaps she thought she would care for your family from time to time, but not on an everyday basis.
Entering a marriage with certain expectations and then finding another situation may be disheartening.
She may have personal issues such as depression, missing her family, a traumatic experience in the past or even a health concern. However, you will never know unless you talk to her more in-depth.
Talking with Wife
Brother, please do find out what it is really bothering her, and try to resolve it. It is important as a couple that you spend time together, doing enjoyable things that will create a bond between both of you.
It’s also important to develop an intimate relationship. By finding out what it is that is truly bothering her, you will be well on your way to resolving it, insha’Allah.
I would kindly recommend that you take her out for lunch, a walk or somewhere quiet, private, and enjoyable. Insha’Allah, ask her about her days, how she feels, what he desires and expectations are for the marriage.
Please do also ask about her health and any other details she may wish to discuss. Assure her that you love her and wish to make this a happy marriage for her as well as you.
Focusing on the Daily Activities
As your wife she says she is too tired for sex, please do listen to her carefully about her expectations for the marriage, the living arrangements, as well as what she does during the day.
If she is not happy with her tasks in the day and is fatigued from them, it may be affecting her levels of desire.
Insha’Allah brother, please do speak with her about these details and offer solutions such as other family members helping out, so she can get rest or pursue something she would like to do for herself. In life, there must be a balance.
Other Issues
Brother, if you find there are other problems which cause her loss of interest in sex such as feeling depressed or anxious, please do insha’Allah, help her to get counseling on a regular basis.
If she misses her family, try to find a way that she can see them more often or is in contact with them on a regular basis.
If she suspects health problems, please do ensure she sees a doctor. There can be many issues related to her lack of interest. Please do try to help resolve whatever it is.
Romance
Please, do make efforts to romance her. This would mean taking her out for a walk somewhere nice, surprising her with flowers or candlelit dinner, taking her to dinner, a show, or out with other couples for social times.
Little acts of kindness can go a long way. Find out what she enjoys doing so the both of you can do them together.
By focusing on her interests, needs and personal goals, you are sending her the message that her needs matter as well. By encouraging her to do some of the other things she enjoys (besides caring for your family), you may see a change in her desire levels.
Conclusion
Building an emotional-sexual intimacy and connection between couples may take time. As you have only been married for 6 months, please do try the above tips to resolve this issue.
Communication-inquiry, understanding (empathy), romance, as well as working on solutions together may go a long way in resolving her lack of desire. Insha’Allah, both of you will work out this issue.
I Want a Baby But My Husband Postpones It
15 May, 2017
QAsalamu Aleikum, I am a young and recently married girl who really long for a baby. I am so frustrated and am deeply grieving for a baby. It seems everyone else is having children while I am not. I am currently taking birth control in order to balance my hormones, but have talked to my doctor about my desire to have a baby, in which case I would be taken off the contraceptive. When I discussed this with my husband, he says he is not ready yet and wants to wait about 3 years before having a baby which is too long for me. He says that he wants to take more time to make more money. Sometimes, he lectures me and tells me that money isn't everything and that we should put our trust in Allah (SWT), but when he says this, I can't help but reply then why can't we have a baby? Am I wrong for this? I sometimes get jealous of other women seeing them with their babies and I'm not having one. It is now getting to a point where I am not happy. What should I do?
ANSWER
Aliah F. Azmeh
15 May, 2017
Answer:
As-Salamu ‘Alaykum Sister,
Thank you for sending us your question. It appears that you are newly married and have started a new life. I ask Allah (swt) to grant you and your husband happiness and help both of you reach your full potentials as spouses.
Judging from your written question, it appears that you believe you are ready to have children, and you are frustrated that your husband doesn’t share the same feelings with you. You say that you are “longing” and “grieving” for a baby. Such words may indicate that you have a deep desire to have a child and have had this desire for a long time.
The word “grieving”, however, indicates that you somehow had hoped to have a child, but lost that hope or ability. Did you suffer in your lifetime from some kind of a loss when it comes to having children? If so, I ask Allah (swt) to help you through the difficulties associated with grief and loss and help you to regain your life back again.
Now, back to your actual question, you mention that you have a great desire to have children, but you cannot reach your desire at this point because:
a.) you are currently on birth control for health related issues,
b.) your husband does not believe that the both of you are ready to have children due to financial issues.
It seems like you are not convinced of the importance of the above two reasons, therefore, you constantly feel like something is missing in your life and makes you become even more attached to the idea of having a baby ASAP.
The first thing I would advise you to do is some self-exploration. Ask yourself honestly, “Why do I want to have a baby now as opposed to three years from now?” Why are you “longing” for a baby and what will a baby do for you? Do you believe that you are ready to have a baby?
These and other questions are important for you to ask yourself because, in order to be successful in our decisions, we need to understand all aspects of the positive and negative issues that may come up. We have to take responsibility for our actions and decisions, and knowing what we are getting into will give us more understanding and control of what may happen in the future.
Many people make decisions without thinking things through and then later fall into difficulties and feel regret afterward. For example, someone may enter into medical school not because they are interested in medicine, but because they want a career that gives them good money. Later, once that person enters into medical school or starts working, they may realize that they never wanted this profession in the first place and start to regret their decision.
This feeling of regret can cause a lot of distress to a person and make them feel inadequate or even “stuck.” So, in your situation, think about all aspects of having a child.
After you ask yourself why you want a child, ask yourself what a child needs to be happy and healthy, and what he/she may need to grow up into a successful adult.I Want a Baby But My Husband Postpones It - About Islam
As we all know, having children is about them, and not really about us. In other words, having children is probably the most selfless things we would ever do in our lives. We become parents knowing that we may not get what we want in return, but we continue nurturing and loving our children for their sake (and for the sake of Allah, of course). Therefore, if anyone wants to have children, they must look into themselves and their intentions and realize that they are a trust from Allah (swt) and a responsibility. Therefore, having children for the sake of entertainment, improving your social status, or the like is not acceptable.
After exploring the above issues with yourself, the next thing you must do is to discuss your feelings with your husband. You have already mentioned that he prefers to wait a few years before having children. Have an honest conversation with him about your relationship, family planning, and what kind of a family the both of you would like to raise.
It seems from your written question that the both of you have not discussed these serious issues at length before, but keep in mind that such decisions regarding family are vital and important. The both of you should come to a mutual understanding of each other’s feelings and goals regarding your present issues related to your relationship as a newly married couple, and all future plans as a unit and an individual.
For further guidance, this is a great article to read in regards to being ready for parenthood.
After 3 Months of Marriage, I’m Still Afraid of Having Sex
06 September, 2019
QHello. I have a question. Let’s say a couple is married for 3 months but has not consumed their marriage because the wife feels a lot of pain and fear when the husband is about to penetrate. What should be done to help the couple in this situation? please help.
ANSWER
Hannah Morris
06 September, 2019
In this counseling answer:
• Whether it is physical or psychological, the best thing you can do to start is to see a doctor.
• When you are relaxed, the fear will reduce.
• Don’t feel pressured.
Assalamu alaikum wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh sister,
Firstly, just to reassure, many people experience a sense of fear of this sort in a new marriage, both men and women alike. So, you are not alone.
In this situation, the first thing to consider reasons for pain and fear. This will guide the path that you take in overcoming this difficulty.
Regardless of the cause, whether it is physical or psychological, the best thing you can do to start is to see a doctor. She will be able to give you a physical examination if it is a physical issue or refer you to psychological intervention if it is a psychological issue.
After 3 Months of Marriage, I’m Still Afraid of Having Sex - About Islam
You yourself will have some idea of why you experience fear. Is it just because of the act itself and you fear any pain? Or is it a result of abuse either in the present or in the past?
If it is a result of abuse, then seeking counseling to overcome the psychological barriers will make it easier to approach your husband as you address past issues. If it is present abuse, then obviously this is a lot more serious and you need to seek assistance immediately.
However, it seems that most likely the issue you have been facing here is a fear of pain in doing the act itself. If this is the case, then it is important to not feel pressured as this will only heighten the fear and add to the pain.
Only approach it when you are ready to be sure that you are relaxed. When you are relaxed, the fear will reduce. If there is anything that helps you to relax, then use this to your advantage.
Tell your husband about how you feel. It might feel uncomfortable, especially since you are just newly married, but remember that now you are married. You are halal for each other and these actions and discussions are now perfectly acceptable. There is nothing to shy away from within the relationship. Making it something that is not spoken about, again, will only make it something to fear even more.
Remember that having intercourse with your spouse is an act of worship, especially since it is the only way that you can increase the ummah in a halal way. Keeping this purpose in mind also may make things easier for you too as you look to the ultimate purpose.
Husband Doesn’t Like Having Sex with Me
10 January, 2018
QAs-Salamu ‘Alaykum. I have been married for 4 months now and nothing seems to work at all. My husband is a good man, but he neglects me. Since we are married, we have been intimate only once. I have talked to him about it so many times and he doesn’t do anything about it. Every time I bring up the issues we are having in our marriage, he thinks I just want to start a problem. He is always on Facebook and is watching TV, and when he comes to bed, he straight goes to sleep. He pointed out that he doesn’t like having sex at night as night is made for sleeping and not for having sex. He doesn’t like communicating to fix our marriage. I cook, clean and look after him, and the worst thing is that he does see what I am doing for him. He doesn’t touch me, nor says to me I love you in person (maybe through SMS). If I sit down next to him when he’s watching TV, he doesn’t even notice that I am sitting next to him. If I ask him for his phone in order to call my mum, he is the one who dials the number for me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so stressed. I tried to leave him, but he always comes after me. He doesn’t care whether I am having problems or I’m sick. He is a selfish man who thinks he’s always right.
ANSWER
Karim Serageldin
10 January, 2018
In this counseling answer:
“If your husband remains reluctant to get connected with you, I advise you to seek professional help such as couple therapy. In any case, your relationship has just started and hopefully over the time you and your husband will overcome this initial adjustment phase. Some couples don’t really have a good sex life until about a year into the marriage as it takes time to get comfortable and know the needs and expectations of the bedroom. ”
As-Salamu ‘Alaikum Sister,
I am very sorry to hear about your problem. May Allah guide me to answer your question and give you some release. I understand your expectations as a newly married to how a marriage should be, and it is very frustrating not having your needs met. I see that besides the physical need, you also haven’t been experiencing an emotional connection.
To start, it is important to understand that men’s emotions can have a huge impact on their sexual desire. For a man, intimacy is often connected to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself, it will definitely show up in his approach with his wife. Also, if he is not feeling good about his life, himself, his work or anything else, it might be causing him a certain level of stress and stopping him to look into his marriage.
The key to your issue right now is communication. You need to find out why he is not meeting your needs. You can mention to your husband that you have relational rights on him, and he must develop the drive to meet your physical needs. This matter is so important that in Islamic law, there are positions when divorce is allowed to be requested by a woman who is neglected physically. The Holy Qur’an has guided married couples to act with courtesy and mercy:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (30:21)
Allah has, indeed, created man and woman to be partners and companions to one another that includes physical and emotional connection. A relationship should lead to the fulfillment of companionship, affection/love, tranquility and mercy, and those elements should be the context of marital interactions. You are not creating a problem; you are actually looking for solutions. You just want to guarantee your rights and succeed in your relationship. Your husband MUST hear and understand this. I suggest you kindly call upon your husband for a firm and clear conversation because you both need to establish emotional intimacy, and it is necessary to have an open talk about your expectations and desires in this marriage.
I can list for you the common reasons why couples lack in intimacy but remember, these are educated guesses from my experience as a psychologist:
Was your marriage arranged?
If the answer is yes, it is possible that attraction and chemistry may not be there. Some arranged marriages are conducted due to family pressure or material solidarity. I have worked with people who married someone without having attraction, thinking it will grow over time. Sometimes it does, sometimes it does not. If this is your case, it is important not to ignore this and be open to improving this chemistry through strategies that can make each of you more desirable to one another.
Past sexual trauma or abuse?
People, who have had trauma around sexuality, their bodies tend to be blocked from enjoying sex or even approaching it. If your husband has had any events in his past like abuse, it is important for him to see a trauma therapist to overcome these blocks. Ignoring it will only make it worse.
Suffering from SSA?
Same-sex attraction is a possibility. There are many reasons an individual may have SSA, and this will obviously distract the person from the opposite sex. Again, this requires a therapeutic process that should not be ignored.
He may not be a sexual person.
Some of us are not as excited by sex as the general population. There are individuals who find sex repulsive and dirty. These individuals sometimes have obsessive-compulsive disorder towards cleanliness and find it difficult to engage in such a physically vulnerable experience like sex. Not being interested in sex can also be related to the reasons I mentioned above.
Getting needs met elsewhere.
When people are getting their sexual needs met elsewhere, they avoid sexual participation with their partner and show little interest. This can be due to affairs or usage of pornography. Pornography addiction numbs the sexual appetite and makes it difficult for the addict to get excited by actual sex, since real people, like a wife, will not have the novelty factor that pornography has.
Even though your main complaint is your sexual life, I believe that your biggest problem is your lack of intimacy in general. He needs to notice you, spend quality time with you, engage in conversations, and have activities together. All this will lead to greater bonding and love.
You described your husband as constantly checking out and avoiding you through television and digital distractions. If your husband remains reluctant to get connected with you, I advise you to seek professional help such as couple therapy. In any case, your relationship has just started and hopefully over the time you and your husband will overcome this initial adjustment phase. Some couples don’t really have a good sex life until about a year into the marriage as it takes time to get comfortable and know the needs and expectations of the bedroom. Reflect on this Quranic verse 2:153:
“O you who have believed, seek help through patience and prayer. Indeed, Allah is with the patient.”
May Allah guide you and give you the strength to go on your journey, sister.
Husband Doesn’t Care About My Sexual Needs
04 August, 2019
QDear Counsellor. I am very unhappy these days. I got married 1 and half year ago and had difficulty in sex since day.
It’s not that I didn’t want it but because there was a difference in my and husband’s approach. He seemed to be in rush during foreplay and didn’t realize how to arouse me properly. Even his touch during foreplay was more manly and less gentle. When I used to communicate it to him, he would get angry at me that because of me he lost his focus.
In between, I got pregnant and due to pregnancy, I became super tender to touch and this further aggravated our sexual life. And the problem continues till now after the baby’s birth. He doesn’t realize that woman has needs as well and if she communicates it ’s not an offense. Every time I tell him about this issue, he gets angry why do I tell him. He even blames me for his masturbation habit.
I don’t know what to do. How to convince him that I love him and that my telling him about ways to arouse me is not dictation rather expressing my need which he should respect. I want to make him understand that reacting to his harsh touch ways and resisting them is not equivalent to not interested or hurting his ego.
ANSWER
Aisha Mohammad
04 August, 2019
In this counseling answer:
• Some men, due to ego or fear of not performing well, will take it as an insult and get angry. Others will be excited and intrigued to learn how to please their wives.
• In marriage, communication is very important, as well as having an openness to learn about one’s spouse.
As Salam Alaykum sister,
Thank you for writing in with your most important question. Actually, your concerns are very common, sister. Having issues with intimacy is frequent, especially for newly married couples. It takes time for couples to acclimate and get used to one another’s needs and desires.
It also takes time for each partner to discover what feels right, which techniques are arousing as well as how to grow together on an intimate level. This is an important part of bonding in a marriage.
A lot of men who are new to sexual relations may be heavy-handed. They may be too rough as they have no experience and just do what they feel is natural. However, most will quickly learn that their wives have their own preferences, needs, and desires of how they wish to be intimate.
Husband Doesn’t Care About My Sexual Needs - About Islam
Some men, due to ego or fear of not performing well, will take it as an insult and get angry. Others will be excited and intrigued to learn how to please their wives.
Sadly, your husband sounds as if he falls into the first category. Thus, you have some work ahead of you!
Sexual Communication
It seems that your husband feels offended when you try to get closer to him by discussing your sexual needs and preferences. From his reactions of anger. it appears that he is taking the issue personally and feels it is an “attack” on his manhood.
Every man should seek to please his wife sexually, sister. However, some men may think that as men, they “know it all” when it comes to pleasing a woman and to suggest otherwise is a huge insult! This is just not true.
As you were both virgins when you married, sexual intimacy is a new experience! And with that comes trial and error as to what is pleasing to each partner. Even couples who are divorced and remarry and feel they have sufficient experience need to learn their partner’s preferences as no two people are alike in what is pleasing, arousing and comfortable for them.
In marriage, communication is very important, as well as having an openness to learn about one’s spouse. Your husband does not seem to want to communicate regarding this topic nor does he want to listen to your needs. He may find this topic threatening to his abilities to satisfy you sexually.
Sadly, he also appears to be absorbed in his own sexual satisfaction with little regard for yours.
In order to establish true intimacy and closeness, your husband needs to listen to you in a caring, compassionate manner and put his ego aside.
I kindly suggest sister that you find a time that is a calm and happy time to express your needs to your husband. I know you have tried before and received angry results. However, maybe a different approach will work. It may be during intimacy (although you have come to dislike these times due to his inconsiderate ways).
During intimate moments, if you can, insha’Allah, tell him things such as “oh, this feels wonderful, can you move your hand a little further… this feels really nice, but I want to know how it feels if you do this (fill in)”. Without getting too explicit on a public forum, I do hope you get the idea of what I am saying.
Insha’Allah, sister, if you praise his efforts and acknowledge what he does do that feels good – followed by a suggestion for what may feel even better -, he may respond positively.
Please, tell him that you long to learn of him in an intimate way and want to share yourself as well. Ask him questions about what he likes, what kind of touch he desires, does he find excitement in long kisses, etc. Perhaps by asking him first, he will be less on the defense and more willing to listen to you as you both share your needs. Insha’Allah, this will open a calm and loving dialogue between you.
Communicating in this way (positive reinforcement first) may negate any perceived “criticism” (this is how he takes it). If you first focus on what he is doing right, you may be in a better position to teach him how to be intimate with you in a way that is pleasing to you.
Insha’Allah, as time goes on, he will understand how important is to really listen to you and hear what your needs are as he gets positive results from these small but steady changes in his interactions with you.
Most husbands are turned on and try to please more when they get sexually positive responses from their wife. Plain and simple; it is a turn on. Your task is to guide him gently towards the techniques that you desire by expressing pleasure along with requests.
It may take some continued patience on your part, but once he sees your heightened sexual responses to his changes in techniques, he will insha’Allah be eager to continue to want to know “what turns you on”.
As he begins to understand what moves you as well as what techniques will elicit a positive response, insha’Allah his harsh and rough ways with you during sexual intercourse will diminish.
It is your right to be treated and a loving gentle manner as well as have your needs respected.
Patterns and Behaviors
If after trying the above suggestions without progress, you may have to engage him in a frank but calm discussion. His ignoring your requests in the bedroom to communicate your needs is indicative of someone who possibly has not shared himself with anybody before and is used to doing things his way. This doesn’t have to be only in a sexual way. This may be more of learned behaviors and patterns.
Possibly the friendships and family relationships that he had growing up were ones wherein his needs came first and no one else mattered. This would result in a person who is unable (at this time) to listen to the needs of others and make the necessary behavioral changes to adapt so they are happy as well. This is a pattern of learned behaviors. It can be changed insha’Allah but it is not as simple as the case wherein a person feels angry and rejected due to ego and missing communication points. In this scenario, once the communication is clear, the anger, fear of rejection and damaged ego usually recover and the person is happy with the results as their “self” has been positively reinforced.
However, if it is a pattern of long-term self-satisfaction and selfishness which is a part of their personality, it is more deeply ingrained, thus, harder to reprogram. In this case, sister, you can suggest marriage counseling which will insha’Allah incorporate techniques to help him become a more giving and selfless person.
Sister, you are doing the right thing by telling your husband what feels good and what does not feel good. You are communicating your needs and preferences in the hopes to draw closer to him in an intimate way. Whatever approach you take, please do reassure him of your love and desire for him. He does love you very much. He just seems angry at the moment as you are rejecting his advances due to his inability or refusal to listen to you and communicate in a healthy way. In reality, his anger is a hurt by the perceived rejection of his abilities.
As far as your sexual responses during and post-pregnancy, there are definite sensitivities and changes. Being pregnant and giving birth to a child is no small task. Your husband should understand this and be sensitive to your needs regarding sexual contact conduct.
Again though, this issue is tied up with his ability to truly understand and be secure in his manhood as well as be emphatic towards you. Insha’Allah, you may wish to give him literature or brief pamphlets about sexual issues and changes after giving birth.
In fact, you may wish to leave some lying around the house for him to see and insha’Allah piques his curiosity. This would eliminate insha’Allah a possible defensive reaction.
Your Rights
Sister, after you have tried the above suggestions if your husband still refuses to listen to you at all regarding your needs, desires and your preferences for sexual intimacy, then I would kindly suggest that you go for marriage counseling. In no way should you have to tolerate sexual activity that is unpleasant for you. That is your right.
You can state to your husband that insha’Allah you do love and desire him and want to get closer to him, but you feel that your marriage needs help and you would like to go for marriage counseling. Insha’allah, he will see the seriousness and respond positively.
Getting in sync with a spouse is not always easy, sister. Often, it takes time and a willingness to learn. It also takes good communication skills, empathy and a desire to please your spouse. Marriage counseling can Insha’Allah help spouses gain these skill sets.
